My heart aches for friends back home right now. Going through something as difficult as losing a dear friend to cancer is too hard - even too hard to blog about, as much as you want to cry or scream about it:( I ask God why, because I knew her to be beautiful on the inside and out. Like in that movie "The War" when the little boy screams at God, "I needed him [his father] more than You, God!" The world needs more people like her. I was feeling sorry for myself, someone who has experienced verbal/emotional/mental abuse in the past, and so I still throw little pity parties for myself here & there about tiny sensitivities. I eat up attention. It's like, when I really think about it, God's gracious amazing love isn't enough or something!? WHAT?!!! Yes, I know, I said it. I admit it. My human flesh, my pea brain, my blockheadedness needs that daily reminder of how good God is - it's like, HELLO, did I forget that I can trust God with even that?! Just a lost suitcase! Just a walk through the GrandMarche, the scariest place in Kinshasa for a blond mundeli (sp?) white girl. My little niece, sick with bronchitis and a touch of pneumonia, who I catch myself thinking of, "She doesn't deserve that!" Or learning to trust God for the future unkown (walking by faith in the unseen): "My parents deserve a huge dream house, God! Why don't You show us Your plan?" because of my selfish impatience. Then I get offended. I jump to defend, about something that I quickly think I know better than someone (PRIDE gets in the way!), thinking I've been corrected so I can correct. Or I know how it feels to be exhorted and taught so I can teach? Ha, NO...! So I get touchy about being stifled, or whenever I feel someone encroaching on my territory (something I think I can handle). Actually, God's the only One Who can handle it. He holds all my tears in a bottle, He hears my fearful anxious whispers and listens to my loud screams of "Life's not fair!" He knows. He understands. He's been there. Our prayer meeting night falls on Good Friday so we are going to remember together what our Savior did for us. "For every 1 look at your sin, take 10 looks at the cross," my dad is fond of saying. My world is too small, so I think I can fit God into that little space?! I don't think so. I feel lost riding and walking around Kinshasa, going, "WOAH, watch out, I'm the minority" like I'm entitled to better treatment. Actually they're human too, I owe them respect & compassion. Literally. Seriously. What was I thinking getting a bad attitude towards the little annoying street kids? They are actors, we all are, acting out parts in a play on our stage, where we try and direct ourselves, thinking we are in charge. Who's on the throne exactly? Who has any rights to cast any stones? Who is the ultimate judge? Um, Christiana, did you even check the huge fence in your own eye first before the little splinter in their eyes?! WAKE UP & SMELL IT. "Wake up & see the glory" - at first I wasn't too keen on the SCC song until I looked at the lyrics. I really needed a wake up call. I need to be more teachable. Why am I scared to admit that I actually get bored here? For one thing I felt out of the loop, disconnected, hating missing things back in the states like graduations or weddings, births (all the stages of life we actors go through) or sadly, funerals. I'm missing it. I'm totally not getting it. Okay then. I don't wanna miss any of it!! (I think there's a correlation to why I'm a light sleeper - I'm afraid I'll miss something, some bonding experience or some important tender moment or scene) I don't want to miss any teaching experience God has for me, or the right man for me. I am sick of missing out on watching my niece and nephew grow up. I am. I'm tired of it! I don't want to miss time without my family who were thousands of miles away. Now I'm living it, without most of my friends (have a few friends here tho! that's good) or my dog. I'm tired of missing out on worship, prayer, church, amazing Bible study AHA moments, and ministering, but when I get too much into it I'm overcommitted or overwhelmed, then I end up missing something, like a huge cycle. I'm tired of wishing I could be there for a friend to cry on my shoulder or asking, "Hey can I come over to find a holding space?" when that's impossible if everyone's busy at work, school, etc. I am aware that I wanted to eat comfort food to hide my stress. I wanted to reach out and be touched; I'm human, we all need to love & be loved, understand & be understood. It's just that I'm not as great as I thought I was."More of Him, less of me" - that's what I need to remember. He is "more than enough" for someone like me. Sigh. I am grateful for grace. thnx for listening - I know this probably needs serious editing. It's just my random feelings/freewriting....
The friend that went to be with the Lord achieved many victories for mankind:
"Be ashamed to die until you have scored a victory for mankind." Dr. TP Kalogris