Alone vs. Loneliness

I used to hate being alone. I almost had a fear of it. I knew that when I was alone, I'd think inwardly, look at how pitiful my past was, and focus on negative self feedback, beating myself up in my own wallowing self-pity party. Through Counseling, Reliv, and just learning to love being alone WITH GOD, He has totally changed all that and is teaching me to love being with Him. If I'm alone, I'm truly not, b/c I'm in communication or in communion with His Spirit. If I have my Bible with me, even better.

The problem is; all my friends knew that I used to hate being alone and was constantly energized by being around lots of people. I was my mama's social butterfly (out of 8 children), I kept her calendar, and thought I'd make a great "Social Activities"/Event planner, party animal, secretary, and the like. I was pretty proud of myself and my way of communicating (which pretty much sucks in and of itself, but we're not hear beating me up; I'm learning that it's not all about me anyway). I enjoyed harmless flirting, but I was scared that it was dangerous and afraid of the wrong intentions or "fatal attraction" etc.! Now I see that I "escaped" to be with friends just to cover up my feelings at home or by myself or my dark lonely times.

So back to that "problem" - my poor friends have seen me disappear, have seen me put on Harry Potter's invisibility cloak and not known what's going on, only b/c I was trying to be respectful of privacy. Who wants to read about personal details? So they are led to believe rumors, lies, or their own opinion of what has gone on in my life this summer/fall/winter. I'm not blaming you, I just am learning "who my true friends are." My friend reminded me what Aslan told Edmond's siblings: "WHAT'S DONE IS DONE"!

I am more than excited to go to Congo and get some real family time. Bonding with my parents all over again, learning to truly love my younger siblings, and getting my hands dirty (in the humidity and bugs) in missions work is going to teach me a lot. It's an exciting journey that God is bringing me through!!!!

I think that will teach me what alone time is all about (far away from all my friends, my stateside life, American way of life, etc.), and who I really am.
My grandmother (Elisabeth Elliot) used to say, "It doesn't matter who you are, it matters WHOSE you are." I am confident that I walk under the Shadow of His wing, not just some random robot or freak of nature. I am perfect in Him, but we just can't see it yet. I need to be myself and have my family love on me (while I go through a healing process) but I also need to be reminded of who I really am in Christ.

My past is just as dark and ugly as the next guy behind bars; who am I to judge, throw stones? I am no better except through the cross of Christ, my friends! How encouraging is that?!

thnx for your prayers and for "listening."
"Be ashamed to die until you have scored a victory for mankind." Dr. TP Kalogris